reflective post-it.

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last night in ulu watu, right before we hopped on our scooters to nab some thai food down the road, we heard that right in front of that same restaurant someone had died last week. a head-on collision between scooters took the life of a french guy and put a local guy in a coma. we drove up to the place and you could see on the road where that man had died. where he took his last breath. i wondered if that guy looked like so many of the dudes around here, young, tanned surfers with smiles and aviators on motoring to the waves…

i took a deep breath.
gulped.

not because maybe it could happen to me, because if it does, it does. but because it was such a sudden jolt…there is an incredible sun giving us this days last warmth, with vivid pinks and oranges, and that guy will never see another one. it’s too final.
even in paradise, sadness can come and sit down right beside you. to remind you that life is still life. it has its realities. such pure happiness exists, obnoxiously carefree days exist, but so does mortality and brevity and death. this whole gig we’re all a part of is short. so, so short.

and when something happens to someone else, you naturally walk into your own caves. get out bags of thoughts and loot around. sit and leaf through the notes and letters and post-its about how you want to live your life. “if i was that dude and last week was my last, how would i feel about how i lived this whole thing…?”

being overseas and far away, though not over, is rounding its final lap here in asia. enough time has passed since i left home december 30 to warrant some shoulder-checking and journal re-reading and to ask myself that exact question…virginia, california, new zealand, australia, malaysia, singapore, bali…how do i feel about how i’ve lived this whole thing?

sitting on a golden beach, i found my answer in that same authors note from “through painted deserts” that i poured over in krista’s room before any of this ever happened. the words of donald miller…

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“it has to be lived…”

my definition of truly living sounds so similar to his decription – to fall in love, to jump off bridges into rivers, to stand in an empty desert…

…to  stand at the edge of a balinese cliff and witness our glorious sun. to dive down amongst swarms of techni-colored fish. to jump into ravines strapped to a bungee cord…

and as long as i lived my days on this particular journey in that spirit, of pursueing true living, than the only thing i can do is thank God for the incredible opportunity to do so. to spend my days living life

as i sat on that same beach and contemplated the next move, thailand (my flight leaves in 3 hours…), God had me in goosebumps when i read this,

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the word he is talking about is leave. to go, to change, to evolve, to fight this out, to beckon at life to throw more at you…that word is strong.

the way i have always wanted to be.

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One response to “reflective post-it.

  1. dani,
    i think the thing is not so much to know the answer to the question, as it is to know enough to ask it of yourself. many of us let life happen to us and don’t stop to ask the question until too many unexamined days have passed. often and for many, it is then too late to make a huge change, or maybe just seems like too much effort, which amounts to the same thing.
    you got it right, grasshopper. be where you are today. wherever that is. you already answered your question by being there.
    peace.

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