yahweh.

there was this time, late in the fall last year, when i got a real foot to the chest over some decisions i’d made.
i was literally standing over this cracked-up heart and i felt like i was bleeding.
and i remember sitting at my typewriter and just…trying to write what i was seeing in my head. trying to describe the scene i felt was playing out. trying to capture the desperation.

this is what i wrote, 

“i slowly raise my hands, shot through with glass. thin, sharp slivers. i tried to fix it on my own. i tried to put the pieces back together, but i stood over a broken heart and couldn’t stand all the red.
so i just started crying over it.

you came in and started pouring your blood over mine. you showed me your hands, full of wood chips and two heavy nails. i showed you mine fresh with scars and glass cuts. 

and we both just sat there sobbing. because you love me that much and i don’t love myself enough.”

the wood chips and the nails, that sacrifice to show me that He loved me that much.

He took that all on. and had to walk through those terrifying emotions, those last hours in the garden. be mocked, accused and spit at. beaten and nailed between criminals on a hill. 
so that we would be spared. so that this broken heart would be spared.

to think of the God who made that sacrifice then kneeling beside me, intimately stitching the pieces back together, i cry. every time.
i couldn’t be without Him. i would fall apart.

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3 responses to “yahweh.

  1. You say it so well and that is just how I feel: a foot to the chest and hands cut with shards of glass. Your post humbles me because actually have not felt very connected to God lately or perhaps, just haven’t considered him as a part of my trouble. But you are right, He bears these burdens with us and he holds us together when we think we will finally crack. Thank you for reflecting on something that I have found so difficult to put into words! You need to be writing books to inspire the whole world, missy!

  2. I. love. this. Best summary of Easter I’ve heard/read in a long time.

  3. miss allison, your compliments are met with a big smile. thanks for thinking of me, reading this, leaving such a lovely note.
    and enjoying the “other member” of our outreach team..the tunes, o the tunes.

    emily – it’s really hard to get this kind of stuff into words. and get it in to HONEST words. i find most of the christian scene sounds like moonshine and doves and i just…ah, give me something real or give me nothing at all. stoked you appreciated this…

    and maybe a book will happen someday? whoever knows…maybe someday.

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